A Child of Our Own

Why adopt when you can have children of your own?

This is one of the many questions we have been asked by friends and family who have known us through out various chapters of our life. This post is dedicated to those of you who are curious about what led us in this direction.

We have tried for almost 5 years now to conceive a child. Outside of fertility treatments, I have tried every natural treatment you could find and endured a couple of surgeries- all to no avail. It has been a painful few years. But it has also been extremely GOOD. Good, only because the one who designed this plan is good and his plan always far outweighs what I could possibly consider being an awesome plan.

Shortly after we first started trying to conceive, thoughts and conversations about adoption began. Ryan has always desired to adopt; in fact, he had a more difficult time understanding my desire to conceive biologically, and why I wanted to so desperately. It made complete since to him that there are thousands of children in need of a family. Why wouldn’t we rescue and provide a loving home for one?

It took my heart much longer to be completely ready (to let go of my “better” plan). I would always say, “Lets try all we can to conceive our own and then we can adopt in the future.” Though adoption has been on our radar all along our journey, God had to remind me yet again that his plan is better. He walked me though a lot of lies that I believed about adoption, about my control/ his control in conception and then through the grieving process of not being able to bare a child before I could totally rest in and rejoice in the plan he had all along. 

There has been numerous times along this road that Jesus has tendered my heart toward adoption. Whether it be through understanding our own adoption into the family of God through Jesus, or through convos with strangers on planes, getting to hold someone else’s baby they had just adopted, or the Holy Spirit stirring my heart, He has continually led my heart toward adoption. Most of the time I would respond in fear that this meant we would never have our own, and then I would hold even more tightly to my expectations. Some how adoption was a less satisfying way to build our family.  I believed that having our own child could only come from our DNA. It just wouldn’t be the same any other way.

Just 2 months ago we were presented with the decision to move forward with IVF. I was certain we would.  We had even given our doctor the consent to begin treatment the next month, but there was still no peace within me. This was our opportunity to finally have our own child. How can it be that I feel so conflicted?! This is something I have waited for years for! An interesting thing had happened. I suddenly felt sad about the child we would not get to meet through adoption. It’s such a beautiful and loving thing what Jesus did. He suddenly made me have infinitely more joy and excitement for my "last resort" than what I had been hoping in for 5 years. Did I say yet, "he is good’?

The question was asked, “Why adopt when you can have your own”? I now understand that children our chosen by God no matter how they make it into our home. Who knows? God may allow us to conceive a child from my womb in the future. But, that child will be no more my own than the child God gifts us through adoption.  He has perfectly picked the child for our family.