Our First Match

Our hope is in Jesus.

Always.

Last Tuesday I had a dream about our adoption. God spoke and showed me that in our time of waiting we are only able to wait well when our hope is solely in Jesus. I awoke from my dream with the chorus to Be Thou My Vision (O God be my everything, be my delight. My Savior, my Glory, my soul satisfied) playing in my head. This was sweet, but even more special in hindsight as I see the depth of his lovingkindness towards me to prepare my heart.

Wednesday evening we got news that we would be presented with a birth mom the following morning. The call came in the midst of our City Group gathering and we were able to share our excitement/fear with them. The words from my dream were spoken back to me. Your hope is in Jesus, nothing else. They prayed over us and then we went out to celebrate what may be.

The next morning as we prepared for our conference call with our social worker and the agency's director, I was reading through Psalms 105-106 and He spoke to me a second time. This time of His steadfast love. Though this was good news, deep within I began to fear why He might be showing me this. Within a few minutes I discovered why. Our social worker called to tell us we would no longer have the conference call. The birth mother was now wavering on her decision. We found out the baby had been born 2 nights before and that we wouldn't receive more details until the mother signs away her rights the following Monday (5 days later....). This was the beginning of a spiritual/emotional battle pushing us more and more into Jesus. My heart was fighting  between so desperately wanting this to be our baby and also protecting itself from the possibility of loss.This limbo was a test of my heart to continue to find its hope in Jesus and remember His wondrous works and not rest in the outcome.

We found out on Friday that the birthmother and her baby were discharged and she went home with her baby deciding to parent. This was extremely saddening to us as we had looked forward to the possibility of finally having our baby. It felt so close. But, that was not the child God has for us. Now I can see how He so lovingly and graciously prepared my heart for what we were going to experience. We can also see how He protected us from being more emotionally invested since we were not informed on any details and hadn't seen or come home with the baby. We don't know exactly why God allowed this, but we do know that He is good and we trust that He is working this all for our good (to be conformed to His image). I speculate that the birth mom's spiritual/emotional battle was so intense God had us (and our community) there to pray her through. We are so grateful for a family/community that was praying for us, the birth mom and her baby. I continue to pray for her.

All of our waiting God has been continuing to weed out any strands of my old self that still seeks control and thinks it's way is best. It's a painful process! He is teaching me throughout our journey how to trust in Him in the moment, not in hindsight. In the end nothing will satisfy my thirsty soul apart from the love of the Father, the glory of Jesus and the comfort of the Spirit. That is the fight. Resting in Him and delighting in Him alone. I must praise His name that He has been so gracious in this journey to show me that and let my heart take rest in Him. The temptation still comes to dwell in sadness or to think that this is about me, losing sight of His beautiful story unfolding in front of me that He is allowing me to take part in.


I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
Psalm 34:1-5