Our First Match

Our hope is in Jesus.

Always.

Last Tuesday I had a dream about our adoption. God spoke and showed me that in our time of waiting we are only able to wait well when our hope is solely in Jesus. I awoke from my dream with the chorus to Be Thou My Vision (O God be my everything, be my delight. My Savior, my Glory, my soul satisfied) playing in my head. This was sweet, but even more special in hindsight as I see the depth of his lovingkindness towards me to prepare my heart.

Wednesday evening we got news that we would be presented with a birth mom the following morning. The call came in the midst of our City Group gathering and we were able to share our excitement/fear with them. The words from my dream were spoken back to me. Your hope is in Jesus, nothing else. They prayed over us and then we went out to celebrate what may be.

The next morning as we prepared for our conference call with our social worker and the agency's director, I was reading through Psalms 105-106 and He spoke to me a second time. This time of His steadfast love. Though this was good news, deep within I began to fear why He might be showing me this. Within a few minutes I discovered why. Our social worker called to tell us we would no longer have the conference call. The birth mother was now wavering on her decision. We found out the baby had been born 2 nights before and that we wouldn't receive more details until the mother signs away her rights the following Monday (5 days later....). This was the beginning of a spiritual/emotional battle pushing us more and more into Jesus. My heart was fighting  between so desperately wanting this to be our baby and also protecting itself from the possibility of loss.This limbo was a test of my heart to continue to find its hope in Jesus and remember His wondrous works and not rest in the outcome.

We found out on Friday that the birthmother and her baby were discharged and she went home with her baby deciding to parent. This was extremely saddening to us as we had looked forward to the possibility of finally having our baby. It felt so close. But, that was not the child God has for us. Now I can see how He so lovingly and graciously prepared my heart for what we were going to experience. We can also see how He protected us from being more emotionally invested since we were not informed on any details and hadn't seen or come home with the baby. We don't know exactly why God allowed this, but we do know that He is good and we trust that He is working this all for our good (to be conformed to His image). I speculate that the birth mom's spiritual/emotional battle was so intense God had us (and our community) there to pray her through. We are so grateful for a family/community that was praying for us, the birth mom and her baby. I continue to pray for her.

All of our waiting God has been continuing to weed out any strands of my old self that still seeks control and thinks it's way is best. It's a painful process! He is teaching me throughout our journey how to trust in Him in the moment, not in hindsight. In the end nothing will satisfy my thirsty soul apart from the love of the Father, the glory of Jesus and the comfort of the Spirit. That is the fight. Resting in Him and delighting in Him alone. I must praise His name that He has been so gracious in this journey to show me that and let my heart take rest in Him. The temptation still comes to dwell in sadness or to think that this is about me, losing sight of His beautiful story unfolding in front of me that He is allowing me to take part in.


I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
Psalm 34:1-5

Our Adoption Video

Praise Jesus we have this story to tell and not the one I was so desperately and miserably attempting to write. He truly redeems the broken and gives us a new song to sing of His goodness and faithfulness.



Adoption from The Paradox Church on Vimeo.

Our Generous Family

On April 6th we had our first baby shower. Yes, I realize it is now May 13th. I am a procrastinator at heart.

We were once again reminded of God's great love for us as our family/friends/community lavished us generously. They held nothing back. We are so undeserving of this love. Adoption continually provides opportunities to see a picture of the gospel from all angles.

Sweet Baby Keeney, 

these are some of the faces of those that loved you before they ever saw your precious face.

We are entirely finished with paperwork and approved to adopt. Our letter and photo album are in the hands of our agency, ready and waiting for that special birth mother to choose. Baby K's room is ready. There is nothing left for us to do. We could get the call tomorrow or 2 years from now. All we can do is wait. I am preparing my heart for the long haul and coming to understand the equation for waiting well looks something like
Patience = trusting God is good and in control, so I don't have to try to grasp for control and become fearful or anxious. He has orchestrated every part of this and nothing will thwart His plans.

So, we are praying and trusting. Praying and trusting. Praying and trusting. I wonder if I have ever prayed for anyone so much?

Psalm 27:14

Wait for the LORD;

be strong, and let your heart take courage:

Wait for the LORD!

Benefited

Our adoption benefit was a success! We raised around $4,300! We were blessed to have close friends put the event together without cost (labor, musicians, venue, raffle baskets all donated) allowing each cent that came in go to Baby Keeney. All we really did was show up. We enjoyed hearing/watching the talented Erie as Folk, Kristin Major and Grady Spencer and the turn-out was amazing. The place was packed out! I remember looking out from the stage to a full house and seeing so many faces I didn't even know. Since Magnolia Motor Lounge was open to their regular guests we were amidst people who were unintentionally participating and some decided to take interest and be a part. It was beautiful.

I enjoyed meeting new people, loud conversations over the noise of the crowd, the awesome live music 
and getting to share our story with everyone (even though I'm not a fan of public speaking :)). I was so overwhelmed by it all. I kept telling Ryan, "I just want to pause time and take this all in."  Different moments through out the night God would give me glimpses of the depths of His grace in my life (And if you know me and who I was apart from Jesus, you know this to be true!!). He would give me a vision of something I wanted, and insisted on or begged him for and then showed me this picture of what He had instead. He is so much better and His ways are far greater and more joyful. My cup overflows! He is so good you guys!!

With continued generous donations after the event, the expenses for our adoption are now fully covered. Woot Woot! We had the first part of our Home Study last Wednesday Feb 13th, which was a 4 hour interview with our social worker reviewing our paper work. We are so thankful to be working with her. She made the whole meeting relaxing and enjoyable. We are scheduled for the last part of our Home Study this Friday and then we will wait to be approved. She expects that we should have our approval letter by the week of March 11th. And then we wait. We wait for the birth mom that is carrying our sweet babe to choose us. I'm just so ready!

Our Adoption Benefit

Here's the line up:

6-6:45 Erie As Folk
7-7:45 Kristin Major
8-9:00 Grady Spencer