I recently had a conversation with a woman in the park when we came to realize we were both on the journey of adoption. As I shared my story with her I was reminded of God's grace to me. My view of adoption used to be very distorted. I believe that is why I fought off His urging me towards it for years. We were definitely motivated by the Spirit to pursue adoption, but my understanding for God's heart for adoption came later. I am still just scratching the surface of understanding the fulness of adoption. As heinous as they are, I will share a few of the distortions/lies with you, so I can then share how Jesus utterly dismantled them and showed me how beautiful adoption truly is. This is just a glimpse, as infertility brings with it many other lies (I will later share). There are many other fears like raising money, the birth mom choosing to keep the child, not being accepted by your child as their real parents or ability to handle behavioral issues (particularly when adopting older children), which I believe God will lavish the grace you need when you need it.
Lies & Distortions-
All of the times over the years that God has impressed my heart toward adoption I was paralyzed by fear. Fear that was motivated by believing tons of lies. Lies such as, if we adopted we would never get to have a child biologically, fears that I wouldn't love the child as my own, that their would be a disconnect, that there would be less joy and that this child would never be MINE.
Lie- Having a child will bring me satisfaction
This one is very sneaky. I was very blind to it, but when it came down to it, having a child was very much about me. I said I wanted to love a child, but really I want a child to satisfy me. I had idealized biological children. If the child were flesh of my flesh it would be more real, more fun, easier and I would get the experience of carrying and giving birth to a child. Children were a commodity to bring me more joy and satisfaction. Yuck! Could it be more about me?! As I have been nannying, God has graciously shown me, caring for a child is not as glamorous and a lot harder and more sanctifying than I originally thought. I was frustrated at first, "You're telling me I wont be satisfied in this?! Will I ever be satisfied?" This, His grace to show me I was looking for joy in all the wrong places. As big of a blessing as children are, they are not meant to bring you ultimate satisfaction. Whatever you are hoping for that you believe will finally be the answer to your happiness and joy, if its not Jesus, it will only be temporary. Jesus is the only place to find true rest and satisfaction for your soul.
Distortion- Someone must be lovable (have something to offer) in order to be loved
I believe this lie has shaped and manifested itself in many ways through my life. I'm not insinuating that children are not lovable, as understand every human is intrinsically valuable as they have been created in His image. But, my understanding of how God loved me and how I received love from others often felt dependent on what I had to offer (am I smart enough, pretty enough, good enough, religious enough, etc.). To follow the mold, my love/acceptance for others was conditional on their performances. Somehow a child needed to be my blood to earn its love. It needed to have our features and quirks and pieces of our personality. So the correction for this distortion started with understanding how God loves. God is the initiator; He loves and pursues us (the fatherless, the rebellious, the unlovable, ill-deserving, the broken). He chooses us, not only having nothing to offer or bring to the plate, but stubborn, defiant, selfish, and prideful. His love then moves to action by sacrificing his only Son, Jesus, to an excruciating death on the cross, so that He may take on all of our sin and bear the fullness of God's wrath in our place, REDEEMING us from the curse of sin for the purpose of ADOPTION. He loved the unlovable and made us His family. He made us, (the unlovable) lovable when we became HIS. Shouldn't our love towards others be the same?
I recently read a question asked by Russell Moore in Adopted for Life, one of the hardest and best questions to hear when you are in the midst of your infertility journey. "Do you want most of all to be parents, or do you want most of all to be conservators of your genetic material?" Though this is extremely challenging, I wish I would have heard this years ago! It confronts all of the objections that I held on to about adoption with the truth.
If you a believer and you are holding out, fearful to make the step toward adoption. Or if you keep saying, "We will one day after we exhaust all other avenues or after we have one of our own," be reminded of how God so graciously loved and adopted you. Ask Him if He is calling you to this privilege. Join us in this beautiful journey toward adoption. There is so much joy on this side!
