Lies

This post was actually written months ago and I never had the guts to post it. Since Ive recently felt compelled to share the remainder of our story, I thought I would start with what God did in my heart to break me free from lies I believed.

I recently had a conversation with a woman in the park when we came to realize we were both on the journey of adoption. As I shared my story with her I was reminded of God's grace to me. My view of adoption used to be very distorted. I believe that is why I fought off His urging me towards it for years. We were definitely motivated by the Spirit to pursue adoption, but my understanding for God's heart for adoption came later. I am still just scratching the surface of understanding the fulness of adoption. As heinous as they are, I will share a few of the distortions/lies with you, so I can then share how Jesus utterly dismantled them and showed me how beautiful adoption truly is. This is just a glimpse, as infertility brings with it many other lies (I will later share). There are many other fears like raising money, the birth mom choosing to keep the child, not being accepted by your child as their real parents or ability to handle behavioral issues (particularly when adopting older children), which I believe God will lavish the grace you need when you need it.

Lies & Distortions-  

All of the times over the years that God has impressed my heart toward adoption I was paralyzed by fear. Fear that was motivated by believing tons of lies. Lies such as, if we adopted we would never get to have a child biologically, fears that I wouldn't love the child as my own, that their would be a disconnect, that there would be less joy and that this child would never be MINE.


Lie- Having a child will bring me satisfaction
This one is very sneaky. I was very blind to it, but when it came down to it, having a child was very much about me. I said I wanted to love a child, but really I want a child to satisfy me. I had idealized biological children. If the child were flesh of my flesh it would be more real, more fun, easier and I would get the experience of carrying and giving birth to a child. Children were a commodity to bring me more joy and satisfaction. Yuck! Could it be more about me?! As I have been nannying, God has graciously shown me, caring for a child is not as glamorous and a lot harder and more sanctifying than I originally thought.  I was frustrated at first, "You're telling me I wont be satisfied in this?! Will I ever be satisfied?" This, His grace to show me I was looking for joy in all the wrong places.  As big of a blessing as children are, they are not meant to bring you ultimate satisfaction. Whatever you are hoping for that you believe will finally be the answer to your happiness and joy, if its not Jesus, it will only be temporary. Jesus is the only place to find true rest and satisfaction for your soul.

Distortion- Someone must be lovable (have something to offer) in order to be loved
I believe this lie has shaped and manifested itself in many ways through my life.  I'm not insinuating that children are not lovable, as understand every human is intrinsically valuable as they have been created in His image. But, my understanding of how God loved me and how I received love from others often felt dependent on what I had to offer (am I smart enough, pretty enough, good enough, religious enough, etc.). To follow the mold, my love/acceptance for others was conditional on their performances. Somehow a child needed to be my blood to earn its love. It needed to have our features and quirks and pieces of our personality. So the correction for this distortion started with understanding how God loves. God is the initiator; He loves and pursues us (the fatherless, the rebellious, the unlovable, ill-deserving, the broken). He chooses us, not only having nothing to offer or bring to the plate, but stubborn, defiant, selfish, and prideful. His love then moves to action by sacrificing his only Son, Jesus, to an excruciating death on the cross, so that He may take on all of our sin and bear the fullness of God's wrath in our place, REDEEMING us from the curse of sin for the purpose of ADOPTION. He loved the unlovable and made us His family. He made us, (the unlovable) lovable when we became HIS. Shouldn't our love towards others be the same?

I recently read a question asked by Russell Moore in Adopted for Life, one of the hardest and best questions to hear when you are in the midst of your infertility journey. "Do you want most of all to be parents, or do you want most of all to be conservators of your genetic material?" Though this is extremely challenging, I wish I would have heard this years ago! It confronts all of the objections that I held on to about adoption with the truth.

If you a believer and you are holding out, fearful to make the step toward adoption. Or if you keep saying, "We will one day after we exhaust all other avenues or after we have one of our own," be reminded of how God so graciously loved and adopted you. Ask Him if He is calling you to this privilege. Join us in this beautiful journey toward adoption. There is so much joy on this side!

Our First Match

Our hope is in Jesus.

Always.

Last Tuesday I had a dream about our adoption. God spoke and showed me that in our time of waiting we are only able to wait well when our hope is solely in Jesus. I awoke from my dream with the chorus to Be Thou My Vision (O God be my everything, be my delight. My Savior, my Glory, my soul satisfied) playing in my head. This was sweet, but even more special in hindsight as I see the depth of his lovingkindness towards me to prepare my heart.

Wednesday evening we got news that we would be presented with a birth mom the following morning. The call came in the midst of our City Group gathering and we were able to share our excitement/fear with them. The words from my dream were spoken back to me. Your hope is in Jesus, nothing else. They prayed over us and then we went out to celebrate what may be.

The next morning as we prepared for our conference call with our social worker and the agency's director, I was reading through Psalms 105-106 and He spoke to me a second time. This time of His steadfast love. Though this was good news, deep within I began to fear why He might be showing me this. Within a few minutes I discovered why. Our social worker called to tell us we would no longer have the conference call. The birth mother was now wavering on her decision. We found out the baby had been born 2 nights before and that we wouldn't receive more details until the mother signs away her rights the following Monday (5 days later....). This was the beginning of a spiritual/emotional battle pushing us more and more into Jesus. My heart was fighting  between so desperately wanting this to be our baby and also protecting itself from the possibility of loss.This limbo was a test of my heart to continue to find its hope in Jesus and remember His wondrous works and not rest in the outcome.

We found out on Friday that the birthmother and her baby were discharged and she went home with her baby deciding to parent. This was extremely saddening to us as we had looked forward to the possibility of finally having our baby. It felt so close. But, that was not the child God has for us. Now I can see how He so lovingly and graciously prepared my heart for what we were going to experience. We can also see how He protected us from being more emotionally invested since we were not informed on any details and hadn't seen or come home with the baby. We don't know exactly why God allowed this, but we do know that He is good and we trust that He is working this all for our good (to be conformed to His image). I speculate that the birth mom's spiritual/emotional battle was so intense God had us (and our community) there to pray her through. We are so grateful for a family/community that was praying for us, the birth mom and her baby. I continue to pray for her.

All of our waiting God has been continuing to weed out any strands of my old self that still seeks control and thinks it's way is best. It's a painful process! He is teaching me throughout our journey how to trust in Him in the moment, not in hindsight. In the end nothing will satisfy my thirsty soul apart from the love of the Father, the glory of Jesus and the comfort of the Spirit. That is the fight. Resting in Him and delighting in Him alone. I must praise His name that He has been so gracious in this journey to show me that and let my heart take rest in Him. The temptation still comes to dwell in sadness or to think that this is about me, losing sight of His beautiful story unfolding in front of me that He is allowing me to take part in.


I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
Psalm 34:1-5

Our Adoption Video

Praise Jesus we have this story to tell and not the one I was so desperately and miserably attempting to write. He truly redeems the broken and gives us a new song to sing of His goodness and faithfulness.



Adoption from The Paradox Church on Vimeo.

Our Generous Family

On April 6th we had our first baby shower. Yes, I realize it is now May 13th. I am a procrastinator at heart.

We were once again reminded of God's great love for us as our family/friends/community lavished us generously. They held nothing back. We are so undeserving of this love. Adoption continually provides opportunities to see a picture of the gospel from all angles.

Sweet Baby Keeney, 

these are some of the faces of those that loved you before they ever saw your precious face.

We are entirely finished with paperwork and approved to adopt. Our letter and photo album are in the hands of our agency, ready and waiting for that special birth mother to choose. Baby K's room is ready. There is nothing left for us to do. We could get the call tomorrow or 2 years from now. All we can do is wait. I am preparing my heart for the long haul and coming to understand the equation for waiting well looks something like
Patience = trusting God is good and in control, so I don't have to try to grasp for control and become fearful or anxious. He has orchestrated every part of this and nothing will thwart His plans.

So, we are praying and trusting. Praying and trusting. Praying and trusting. I wonder if I have ever prayed for anyone so much?

Psalm 27:14

Wait for the LORD;

be strong, and let your heart take courage:

Wait for the LORD!

Benefited

Our adoption benefit was a success! We raised around $4,300! We were blessed to have close friends put the event together without cost (labor, musicians, venue, raffle baskets all donated) allowing each cent that came in go to Baby Keeney. All we really did was show up. We enjoyed hearing/watching the talented Erie as Folk, Kristin Major and Grady Spencer and the turn-out was amazing. The place was packed out! I remember looking out from the stage to a full house and seeing so many faces I didn't even know. Since Magnolia Motor Lounge was open to their regular guests we were amidst people who were unintentionally participating and some decided to take interest and be a part. It was beautiful.

I enjoyed meeting new people, loud conversations over the noise of the crowd, the awesome live music 
and getting to share our story with everyone (even though I'm not a fan of public speaking :)). I was so overwhelmed by it all. I kept telling Ryan, "I just want to pause time and take this all in."  Different moments through out the night God would give me glimpses of the depths of His grace in my life (And if you know me and who I was apart from Jesus, you know this to be true!!). He would give me a vision of something I wanted, and insisted on or begged him for and then showed me this picture of what He had instead. He is so much better and His ways are far greater and more joyful. My cup overflows! He is so good you guys!!

With continued generous donations after the event, the expenses for our adoption are now fully covered. Woot Woot! We had the first part of our Home Study last Wednesday Feb 13th, which was a 4 hour interview with our social worker reviewing our paper work. We are so thankful to be working with her. She made the whole meeting relaxing and enjoyable. We are scheduled for the last part of our Home Study this Friday and then we will wait to be approved. She expects that we should have our approval letter by the week of March 11th. And then we wait. We wait for the birth mom that is carrying our sweet babe to choose us. I'm just so ready!

Our Adoption Benefit

Here's the line up:

6-6:45 Erie As Folk
7-7:45 Kristin Major
8-9:00 Grady Spencer

Overwhelmingly Grateful

Over the past week the amount we have raised doubled. We are now at $12,925!!!!! Our hearts are overwhelmed by the love and support shown by our family/friends and His grace towards us. Our baby is already so loved!! We are half way there and excited about turning in our paperwork this coming week and setting up our home study. Please continue to be in prayer for us, our baby, our birth mom and the event at Magnolia Motor Lounge on January 17th. We have a wonderful bunch of people organizing it. I can't wait to celebrate with everyone.

In case I did not fully express our gratitude, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you so much for your gifts of time, money and prayers. Such generous sacrifices to give a child a family point us to the One who sacrificed his life so that we could be His precious children.

Galatians 4:4-7

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.

Merry Christmas!!